if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
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Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.