I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
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Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong