Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
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[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it