What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
You Might Also Like
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.