If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
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If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.