When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
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Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….