“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
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That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions