People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
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Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Don’t tell me what to do
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.