[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
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Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Oh no
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation