My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
You Might Also Like
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.