Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
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Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
The little toadstool has spoken.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?