THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
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Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
March 16
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.