I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
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Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Go girl power!
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
went fishing caught a bass
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.