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This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Me recordaron éste meme
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya