“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
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*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I have a new favorite meme page
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.