if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
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I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad