Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
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If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Me too, bag. Me too….
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.