Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
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I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I am all good here, 😂😉
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
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Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Jesus Christ lmao