I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
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Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
sigh
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Please do it!
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.