This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
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7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Previously On Persistence 😎
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.