Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
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“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Oh thanks BBC.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Bread puns are on the rise!
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”