Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
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*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.