I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
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35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Meanwhile in Portland…
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.