They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
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I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”