smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
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Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Customize Your Wedding.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Omg 🤣
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction