If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
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Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Baller is short for ballerina
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!