It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas