USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
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“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Mornin
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve