We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
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If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son