They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
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Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
“and how does that make you feel?”
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
ready to be harvested
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.