The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
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Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
definitely did not do anything wrong
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Hey i am sexy to you now
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.