date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
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Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.