The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
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We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
If you’re testing me, we failed.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
WHO DID THIS?
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world