[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
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Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I gave up going to work for lent.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Best spot.. 😅
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.