Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
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I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”