him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
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google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL