Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
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How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
you gotta be faster
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler