Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
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It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction