coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
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Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Pretty much! 😂👀
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more