Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
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One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.