Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
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Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
hmmm
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]