It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
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Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Meow
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?