like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
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Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
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I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.