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God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character