Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
You Might Also Like
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
this is the greatest thing ever
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.