[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
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Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down