[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
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Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”