Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
You Might Also Like
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?