When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
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Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Everyone’s family
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied