Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
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I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
You better watch out
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.